Domo. :D

enough already.

had enough of late nights,

of being unable to sleep.

of emoing because of you,

for feeling stupid by doing stupid

things i never expect myself to do.

to behave so much out of character

sometimes i feel.

i dont know myself anymore.

im giving myself one last chance.

if it fails.

im going to bury all these deep inside my brain.

no more emoing cause of you.

i rather emo cause of sch work.

its not as mentally and physically draining.

bury all these deep inside somewhere.

and lock it all up.

so i wun be tempted to go back and think,

think of the past, think of you,

think of all the places we have been.

i shall try and lock my pictures up.

so i wun accidentally scroll through them

and remember you.

im going to try and forget.

no more rubbish things, and reasons,

and excuses.

for how im behaving anymore.

im sick of myself,

and disappointing ppl and frens whom

i treasure more than any of this.

of which isnt impt anymore,

since the time you stopped caring.

不要在这样下去了。

我会努力忘记。

这一切。

忘了他吧。

today i finally realised what it means by,

when you thought your day was bad enough,

and that its not gonna be worse than that.

the world just throws something worse than it is

right in your face,

to refute your self consoling theory.

and makes you feel even more depressed than before.

cause of the repeated blows it does to you.

so now im in a throughly bad mood.

sigh.

heart broke again today.

dunno how many times it can break.

or rather how many times it can break and be put

back together.

at the state it is in,

im alr wondering if it can be put back together.

如果你现在比以前开心多了，

至少我知道我的决定没有错。

至少我知道我们两个人之中，

至少有一个是开心的。

watched "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" with my dear SDS yest. :3

so funny. i met choy at 2 plus at harbourfront yest.

turns out we were both late.HAHA.

then we had a mini competition to see who can reach first.

then in the endd....I WONNN!(:

haha. i msged her "ah liew has reached the destination".

LOL.

and since i met her at 2 plus till we went home,

we never stopped laughing sia.

like tio some laughing gas cannot stop.

the worse was when we were watching the movie

it sounded like we were the only 2 in the cinema

laughing to bits.

so siao la.HAHAHAHA.

i missed seeing ph and choy almost everyday,

all our laming sessions,

our laughing at each other,

our self high sessions on the bus.

but i know.

deep inside, when i need to find them to self high

again, as long as they are free, we will still be

SDS for a longgggggggg longgggg time.

at least i hope so. :3

choy made my horrible week seem better,

and make me feel strong enough to get up and

face my pathetic studies,

my lack of motivation to move on,

to find my drive to continue.

i decided, i shall stop giving lame excuses,

to hide my incompetency.

my inabililty to sleep well,

flu, slacking. They are all obstacles to me.

But they are also excuses i use to stop myself

from being a better and stronger person.

i shall try to make my life less miserable then i

feel right now. its the least i can do to help myself.

GAMBATTEEEEEEEEE!

peck hong if u ever see this, you still owe me and

choy a proper SDS outing.LOL.

and yessssssss cannot owe too longgggggg. :3

突然又想起你。。。

和别人谈话时，

谈到你的好友，

突然感觉有点落寞。。。

想起当初，

想起你对我很好的时候。

这些会再重复吗?

我不敢再去想。

做出了决定，后果要自己承担。

很想念你，

可是，这些好像都已成了过去。

可能再也不能重复的过去。

你放下了吗？我有时很想知道。

却不想听到你早已忘了我。

伤心成了心痛。

心痛成了伤痛。

伤痛成了感伤。

感伤成了落寞。

落寞成了孤单。

nowadays im really lacking sleep.

so everyday looking like a panda cum zombie.

and the lack of sleep is taking a toll on my health.

im catching a flu bug.

a bug i cannot *SQUISH* like the

coding bug i usually see.

and so my nose is running away from me.

from the N times im maltreating it,

by constantly sneezing.

*AHCHOO*

i feel like in a constant state of emo.

vicious cycle.RAWR.

i shall try to change the situation im in now.

find some motivation out of all this.

to FOCUS, to do my work,

to get a life,

to find an aim in life.

sorry for throwing so many feathers at you

lalamon... im sure your choking from all the

bird feathers im throwing at you everyday...

i need to change what im doing,

thinking, feeling, behaving.

越来越不喜欢这种感觉。

这种不知所措的感觉。

不知道自己在做什么，

也不知道该做什么好。

私は忙しいがとても嫌いです。

- 3 languages in a post. i must feel really weird.lol. -

stoning at 4am in the morn.

wth am i doing?

SIGH.

lotsa things are bothering me.

esp coding.

SIGH.

突然感到很无力。。。

不知道自己在做什么。。。

突然很想你。

我试着忘记，可是每当我觉得，

我在慢慢忘记的时候。

一定会有一些事发生。

又再度让我想起你。

想起以前。

我越不开心，

越需要人在我身边，

就会越想你。

我不要再这样了。

可是，我再也学不会，

怎么让自己开心的笑，

而不是只是戴上面具。

**WARNING.if ur depressed. or feel like crap.

or dont want your mood to be affected.

PLEASE refrain from reading this post.

dont say i didnt warn you.

finished all my mid term test.

FINALLY.

but feelss @#$%$#.

@_@.

i feel that i havent tried my best.

didnt do fantastically well.

dont really know what im doing.

feeling depressed.

SIGH.

that i take uber long to do coding.

that im severely lagging back.

and by the looks of it never gonna

catch up soon.

SIGHHHHHH.

i dunno what to do anymore sia la.

phy also like #_#

maths also #_#

coding also like #_#

T.T

dont want to drop jap.

also cannot drop tuition.

but everything's falling apart...

then somemore still got weird things

happen.

that i dont have the energy to decipher.

or register, or think about how to

tackle.

oh WTH.

SIGH.

now i know the significance of

what you like =/= what u can do well.

sometimes i wonder why i didnt

and refused to go arts.

and then i also dunno why

im persistent in wanting to not change course.

to survive through this.

probably cause i chose it.

myself.

after much opposition.

i managed to get in.

and i dont want to go off without a fight.

我不甘心。

maybe im being unrealistic?

i hope not.

i never felt like this before.

i used to think, and know.

that im not working hard enough.

that when i drop everything and mug,

everything will be ok.

but now. im mugging everyday.

still not ok.

SIGH.

and my vicious cycle of emo doesnt

seem to be ever ending.

-i dunno what im doing anymore.

im supposed to be chionging my lab 6 and tut 7.

but a feeling told me i should watch the video marion asked me to.

and im glad i did.

it didnt take away the pain.

but it made me realise.

truly realise.

that forgiveness must be genuinely from the heart.

people may say they forgive you.

and they might decide to forgive you.

In their mind, they have forgiven you.

but if its not from the heart, it doesnt count.

its just something you say out.

because true forgiveness means you are hurt

by the person,

but you no longer blame the person for hurting you.

you put it behind you and start afresh.

i dont believe i did that much in my life.

i believe a lot of people didnt too.

what i believed as forgivenness isnt really true

forgiveness.

and 1 thing i never achieved in my life is

self forgiveness.

its what people need to move on,

to go on with life thinking

whatever you have done is over and done with.

no need to brood about it.

i have never been able to forgive myself for a lot

of things ive done.

people ive hurt, words ive said.

i move on, but somehow,

it has become a part of me.

part of a rock i have never dropped since birth.

forgiving means you will leave it behind you and

move on.

it will be a part of your past,

but never a burden to your future.

i shall try and attempt to be more acceptive of people.

to forgive and not to forget.

to let go and not to hold on to my rock.

i shall try.

Thanks marion.

I needed that. :3

"When deep injury is done to us,

We never recover until we forgive.

Forgiveness does not change the past.

But it does enlarge the future."

--Mary Karen Read

suddenly feel emo. T.T

yes AGAIN. i dunno why though.

haha.

or maybe i do, just that im in self denial again.LOL.

maybe its cause i rmbred the secret movie again.

the fact that i still miss the person i watched it with.

for what stupid reason i dunno.

haisssssssssssssssssssssssssss. T.T

One More Time by Tree Bicycles (Boys over Flowers OST)

haru-ga neomuna deodigo neomu himdeulda
nae maeumeul da boiryeohaedo geudae bol-suga eobseoseo

nan geujeo- jinagan siganeul wonmanghagoisseo
tto gyejeori tto bakkwieogado naneun yeo-jeonhi seulpeo~

One more time!
apado jogeumdeo sarangeul halkkeol
neomaneul wihae utgo neomaneul wihae ulkke

One more time!
jeohaneul tteugeoun taeyangcheoreom
yeongwonhi neoui modeungeol saranghae ojik neomaneul

One more time!

usan-sok dajeonghan nimoseup neomuna geuripda
i nunmureul tto dakkabojiman naneun yeo-jeonhi seulpeo~

One more time!
apado jogeumdeo sarangeul halkkeol
neomaneul wihae utgo neomaneul wihae ulkke

one more time!
bamhaneul bitnaneun byeolbiccheoreom
yeongwonhi neoui modeungeol saranghae ojik neomaneul

One more time!

uriege gateun naeiri chajaogireul yaksokhae
uriege gateun haengbogi chajaogireul yaksokhae
eonjena gyeote isseulkke~

One more time!
apado jogeumdeo sarangeul halkkeol
neomaneul wihae utgo neomaneul wihae ulkke

One more time!
jeohaneul tteugeoun taeyangcheoreom
yeongwonhi neoui modeungeol saranghae ojik neomaneul

One more time!
(aahaam~) .. Oh! my love for you
Oh! One more time! (aahaa~)
Oh! my love for you
one more time!

English version. :3

each day is so slow and so hard

because no matter how hard i try to reveal my heart
you can’t see it

i’m just resent the time that’s gone by
no matter how much time changes, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i miss the image of the warmhearted you standing beneath the umbrella
though i wipe these tears again, i’m always sad

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the stars that shine brightly in the night sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time

i promise that a tomorrow that we both share will find us
i promise that a happiness that we both share will find us
i’ll always be by your side

one more time
even though it hurt, i should have loved a little more
i’ll laugh for only you, i’ll cry for only you

one more time
like the hot sun of the sky
i’ll love all of you forever, only you

one more time
oh my love for you
oh one more time
oh my love for you
one more time

i suddenly rmbred this shirt marion showed me yest.

it said "explain to me again why i need a boyfriend"

listening: Nothing's Gonna Change my Love for You - 方大同

i finally finished my battleship a while ago,

to receive the news that anyone who handed up will get full marks.

oh well.

things like that happen.

this week is elearning week.

but for some reason im really exhausted.

maybe last 2 weeks really killed me.

O.o

i really like the song choy sent me. :3

but somehow.

if i listen to it too much.

it makes me feel sad.HAHA.

oh welll.

its a nice songggg thoughh. :3

-chionging econs tut. ><

im supposed to be coding.

yes. at a bloody 4am in the morn.

and its not i didnt start early on my work.

just had screw ups and hence. yeh.

i almost cried coding just now.

really buay tahan lor just now.

so now im taking a small break.

i need a break from coding 24/7 for a while.

so im here blogging.(:

i ate kinder surprise today!

haha. THANK U for the children's day present. :3

WHOOTS!

i shall return u a kinder surprise for

your children's day present.

MUAHAHAHAHA.

i got a lame toy but its ok. (wings. goodness.)

he can join sharky on my table.

LOL.

kinder surprise gives toys that really "SURPRISE" me.

im like "oh wow. this toy is so anticlimax."

alw make me so excited to see a kinder surprise then

when i open alr, is....@_@.LOL.

i realise im feeling much happier alr.

yes its stressful.

esp the battleship game,

which is CURRENTLY STILL

dying on me, which i have yet to go and

收拾残局。。。

but i feel myself slowly feeling much better.

maybe not totally.

i have this amazing ability to be self delusional.

but i can feel im definitely much better.

less upset.

less bothered.

maybe im finally letting go.

its prob cause ive been jolted awake from my

delusion. and maybe cause lalamon has been scolding

me for msging him. D:

but its good la. i know. (:

and i suddenly realise my frens are more

worth my time,

worth my effort,

worth my attention on them.

at least, or to me,

most of them do appreciate me for who i am.

wun really force me to do things i dont like

myself doing. (usuallyy....)

and wun make me feel like im so not impt

im worse than the ant on the floor.

and wun say things like "i dunno what to do"

when the pieces of me are broken and cracked

all over the floor.

its not as if there wasnt good times.

but sometimes i feel.

he is more delusional than me.

@_@

he has a even stronger ability to sweep things

under the carpet and leave it there.

that day i msged and he said he was not upset

anymore (i wonder if he even was upset)

i was totally #_#.

like thats fast. ok.

ok. i shall command myself to go back and code.

i shall stop slacking.

today i had an outburst at mum and i cried.
for a bit.
maybe cause i am too frustrated in sch.
feeling tired, exhausted.
not enough sleep everyday.
and yet nothing much is done.
i also feel so stupid in sch.
like everything also must ask.
everything also dunno how to do.
and im launched an attack.
and suddenly i turn defensive.
i get upset.
i lose control.

i know normally i can tahan one.
to not blow up.
wait for the storm to blow over.
but for some reason.
some part of me decided i cant take it anymore.

sometimes i start wondering.
if this course is what i really wanna do.
if im good enough to be here.
or maybe i should have gone to arts after all.

but im gonna persevere!
i chose this course.
not anyone but me.
so i have the duty to at least try and get
something out of this. :3
what doesnt kill me makes me stronger.
\(^^)/

met wan lin today for dinner.
nice break from muggging.
ICE CREAMU AGAIN!(:
アイスクリム！（：
cost me a bomb.
but i really enjoyed myself today.
once in a long while. long long while.

i miss you.
somehow i feel my heart twinching.
at every little thing.
every little thing that unintentionally
reminds me of u.
when i by accidentally scroll past
ur profile on fb.
when i see ur photos in my computer
while im deleting photos.
when i scroll past ur number in
my phone.
sometimes i have the temptation to
delete it. but ur number i have rmbred
by heart.
(so much for telling jeanette.fail.LOL.)
even the course im doing reminds
me of you.
i know i should listen to lalamon.
stop this alr.
stop msging.
stop doing stupid stuff to myself.
but i cant seem to help it.
if i could, i will stop it.
hate this lack of control over myself.